My Podcast Interview on Miscarriage and Infertility
Updated: Dec 23, 2019
Writing about my latest miscarriage, that was one thing. But talking about it? Well, that was completely another.
Still, I'm grateful to my friend Carly for asking me to talk with her about it on her podcast. (Though I’m not nearly as articulate as she is!) It was a big step outside my comfort zone, and surprisingly, very healing. She’s fearless about telling her own story of overcoming heartbreak after divorce. And she’s helped many others tell their stories too, through her blog and podcast Not the Way I Planned.
Have a listen to our talk here.
Carly's work inspired me to return to writing. I’d taken a break from blogging after my fourth miscarriage (which is why our interview was in July, and I’m writing this in October), and I don’t regret it. You might recall that during my third miscarriage, I worked full-time for three weeks while I bled and waited for the baby to pass. I spent most of the time in the bathroom, wishing I was home. I didn’t realize I hadn’t fully healed from that experience until my fourth miscarriage, and so this time, I gave myself plenty of time to recover.
I talk about that in our interview, as well as I how I handled my other miscarriages—or rather, how I didn’t handle them. The truth is, I didn’t know how to talk about it, or even how to think about it. I felt I had it all wrong, but rather than knowing what to do differently, I blamed myself and others for my pain. I’ve grown a great deal since then, which I share more about in this blog post, as well as my podcast interview with Carly.
Here are a few more topics we take on:
Speaking openly about your loss without seeming like you’re looking for pity
Feeling as if it’s your fault when you’re going through infertility or a miscarriage
Accepting that you might’ve done things differently, and that even if it’s your fault in some way, or someone’s else’s fault, there can still be profound healing
Focusing on recovery, rather than staying stuck in regret and resentment
Finding opportunities to enjoy your life even when you’re in pain
Recognizing that your own mindset affects how you interpret other people’s remarks as helpful or hurtful (that is, you’re more likely to feel their support when you already feel compassionate, rather than wronged)
Appreciating that everyone has their own struggles, no matter how perfect their lives seem on the outside, and that having a baby can as much of a challenge as losing one
After the interview, we talked “off the record” as friends about how hard it can be to keep going after big disappointments, but that’s how we’ve each found our sense of purpose. It can be terrifying to try again after you feel like you’ve failed, or you’ve been disappointed over and over, like I have after each miscarriage. Sometimes it feels easier to hide, even behind my own writing.
But that’s a big reason I started this blog, because I saw women overcoming enormous obstacles with so much resilience, and I was struggling with much smaller complaints. I wondered, where did their enthusiasm and optimism come from? Were they pretending? Or was it real? I felt there was something different about them, and I wanted to find out what it was, so I could be like that, too.
Turns out, how we think about our struggles, disappointments and mistakes makes all the difference.
I want you to know I’m here as you face whatever heartbreak is in your life. You can reach me anytime at firstname.lastname@example.org. I’ve also shared a few resources I’ve found helpful below, and please, let me know if you listen to the podcast. Is there anything you’d add?
Last, thank you Carly, for allowing me to speak up and inspiring me to keep writing. You’re doing a beautiful thing for the world!
Here’s to more good days,
Not the Way I Planned: Here you'll find stories from people facing everything from infertility, adoption and divorce, to cancer, mental illness and addiction. It’s about more than just the struggle though, it’s about learning to adapt when life doesn’t go the way you planned. Carly shares her own lessons from rebuilding her life after divorce, too. Follow her blog, podcast and Instagram.
My Grief Connection: While this resource is mainly for those living in the Treasure Valley, I honestly believe this could be life changing for anyone grieving. My friend Sara spent many lonely months grieving her brother’s devastating addictions, violence and suicide. She wanted to make it easier for others to find the help she’d worked so hard for, so she put together this incredible resource full of articles, podcasts and videos on grief, along with support groups, counselors and therapists in the Treasure Valley. Visit her site here.
Trusting in Due Time: For years, the only blogs and online support groups for infertility I could find were, sadly, full of bitter people looking to vent their frustrations. Of course, I understood how they felt, but I wanted a resource that was more encouraging. Two babies later, but still not too late, I found it. Caroline has no qualms about saying exactly what needs to be said, but she says it with perfect kindness (like in this post, about choosing whether to be offended). Follow her on Instagram here.
Photo by Adrianne Shelton